Episode 1 - What is ‘Finding the Middle’?
Hi! My name is Rafferty Dall and I’m the founder of Balanced Blokes. Thank you for tuning into the first episode of ‘Finding the Middle’ where I aim to assist you with just that. Topics discussed in these podcast episodes will be informative and funny (hopefully) but there may also be quite heavy topics from time to time. There will also be experiences that I, and others will share that may impact you in a way that will be uncomfortable. Please take care of yourself after listening and try to reflect deeply on what comes up for you. Okay, that should cover me for any serious backlash because I have got some JUICY stuff to share and if any stories sound familiar, they’re not. ;)
Now, Balanced Blokes is a mental health project that aims to help blokes understand their own psychological well-being and use that knowledge to help navigate through life’s challenges. Since starting this project in 2021, I have often pondered how to accurately convey what ‘Balanced Blokes’ is to others in a concise way, without leading them down a rabbit-hole filled with mental health jargon. Truthfully, I think I have been vague about the whole concept myself until recently and hopefully I can provide a detailed understanding to those listening.
As I was creating this episode, I was in quite a deep depressive episode. My anxious thoughts had been extremely overwhelming; coming in waves like the ones rolling into the beach I can view from my apartment. There was also this sense of dread about everything coming in the future and I was really struggling to enjoy the things that usually bring me joy. Yet, the difference between now and 2019 Raff is that I can identify why I’m feeling this way. I have shared quite a few things openly on social media but for those that don’t know, in the space of a few months in late 2019:
I had a breakdown of my incredibly toxic relationship
I had a falling out with my close friend & business partner, consequentially ending that partnership
I tore my ACL completely off the bone
I was 110kg (I’m 98kg now)
Moved out of my girlfriend’s place at the time and back with my Dad, who was also struggling significantly with his own mental health
It seemed like my full-time job as a self-employed DJ was all I had left to cling to…. and then the virus hit….
There are not enough words in the English language to describe the pit of despair I was in, sitting in bed within my Dad’s Carlton North townhouse after my surgery. I honestly didn’t think life could get better and I thought that I would be eternally broken - mentally and physically. From sleep paralysis nightmares of my ex girlfriend - in demon form - trying to suffocate me, to scream-crying in the hallway to my Dad and nearly passing out, which was a result of built up frustration and major depression. I vividly remember rock bottom, where I had been using a juice container to pee into because the toilet was at the other end of the house. Somehow, a ¾ filled jug of my own urine decided to have a mind of its own, slip out of my hand and R.Kelly all over my stomach, chest and bed sheets. I had to then let my parents know about the piss situation via text and remain soaked in my own penile fluids until Mum rocked up. As a 23-year-old with an already fractured relationship with his mother, having her pressure to put new undies on me instead of being able to do it myself was something I have tried to repress.
Just prior to rock bottom, I had started seeing a Psychologist semi-regularily for the first-time and I didn’t realise then but that was the start of this massive impactful journey that I’m now on. The lowest point in my life would uncover and fuel an incredible passion for helping others with their own mental health journey and making sure that even if rock bottom is reached, it doesn’t mean the end. “But Raff, how can you run a mental health organisation when you yourself are depressed and anxious?” That is exactly the reason why I’m perfect for this space and why I’m aiming to help others struggling with the same issues. I’m in it, I’m dealing with it and I’m navigating through it so that others can see a pathway too. I have revolved my whole life around being curious about the mind of human beings because that passion is what has kept me on this earth.
I currently study a Graduate Diploma of Psychology at the University of Melbourne with the hopes of becoming a psychologist. The coordinator of one of my subjects within the course, Dr.Chris Groot (who actually started as a seal trainer at the Melbourne Zoo, studying behaviour) revolved a large portion of the subject around reducing the public stigma around mental health within Australia. In doing my research, I stumbled across an extensive meta-analysis by Pettigrew & Tropp in 2006 (this is a scientific research paper that combines a large amount of other scientific research papers and summaries the findings in an impactful way) of 713 independent samples from 515 different studies, which found that a direct line of communication between people with lived experience of mental illness and those without a disorder is the most effective way to reduce public stigma of mental health issues. I also just finished working for the Australian Psychological Society, where I gained a deeper understanding of the broader implications of psychology on our population, as well as, having daily, incredibly enriching conversations with registered professionals within a variety of different corners in the field. I have also spent tens of thousands of dollars on therapy, self-help material and content that has helped me understand myself better. Combine all this with my empathetic nature and sensitive disposition, I believe it is the perfect cocktail for what I’m aiming to do with Balanced Blokes. It hit me recently that I’m very good at serving others in this way, it comes naturally to me, so much so that when I was having a conversation with someone recently who I felt extremely uncomfortable with, my questions gravitated to personal quite quickly and then they got on the defensive by saying, “Are you trying to psycho-analyse me Raff?”. I was really taken aback and I didn’t even realise I was asking extremely personal questions to them, but very easy to ask-and-answer questions for myself. This person didn’t talk to me for the rest of the walk back to our location, even though they were in a position that, under normal societal expectations, would require them to keep conversing. In that interaction, I gained enough important information anyway, in that some individuals just cannot handle getting deeper than surface level without the proper conditions - or even ever. So yes I was, you dick and you gave me an answer anyway. So, hopefully by now you have some information to contradict your perception of a preachy 26-year-old who has started another ‘talkin with da boyzzzz” podcast. I think it is also important to note that I no longer smell like piss and I make a conscious effort every single day not to urinate on myself.
‘Finding the Middle’ was started because I, and more importantly, those very close to me in my life were unable to understand and process their emotions after significant life events severely impacted their mental health. That understanding is a huge key to navigating through those issues and what I’m aiming to help others with through all my events, content and conversations. I think an important connection to make is that there are things in life that genuinely come out of nowhere and without the tools or support around you, it can be extremely isolating and create a lot of fear. There have been people in my life recently that after years of being in a loving relationship, have had their spouse end it abruptly, due to a lack of connection. More often than not, this unfortunately comes as a shock because there has been an absence of tuning into each other for months (or even years) and not asking appropriate questions to get to the core of what may be shifting internally for them. Then when a pressure cooker of a situation comes along - moving in together, kids, marriage, new job - this internal shifting has to go somewhere and much like tectonic plates that you learned about in school, this can either erupt as externalisation, “I can’t live with you anymore!” or bury deeper as internalisation, “Fine…..Okay…..I don’t want to talk about it”. Imagine this scenario: you have been with your partner for many years and they stop you one day and say, they can’t do it anymore. Your partner might as well have just squeezed your sack hard enough to pop out your testicles, cut out your heart and then blend them all together in front of you. A horrifying image I’m sure but that’s the sort of impact that can have and in a metaphorical sense, it is very accurate. In that moment, your manhood is stripped away from you. All the elements you have created to build this fortress of what a man should be is now crumbling right before your eyes, whilst simultaneously experiencing the instant grief of losing an intimate partner, who you thought was going to be with you forever and is also one of your greatest emotional supports (or only support in some cases). “Raff, all you have done here is bring up crap that I have tried to forget and now I’m depressed again, why have you done this?” Well, my little traumatised cherub, the first step to understanding your own emotions is bringing your attention to them. Then you can use tools or concepts you have learned to help you deal with them in healthy ways. A beautiful, modern example of this is the new Netflix documentary ‘Stutz’, where Jonah Hill interviews his psychiatrist, whilst indirectly sharing vulnerable conversations, in a valuable attempt to provide a window into what therapy looks like. I will dive more into this documentary in future episodes, as personally, it is one of the most pivotal pieces of content that I have seen in years and hopefully reduces some of the stress around experiencing emotions.
Losing someone close to you or the potential of loss is another aspect of life that is inevitable but always still comes up at the worst of times. Grief has an uncanny ability to affect a lot of people at once in a very similar way and can often get us to reflect deeply upon our own lives. I experienced the strength of this reflection when I did my first ever school talk a few months ago to a group of 50 year 11 and 12 boys about mental health. Being a public school, they could definitely sniff out the private school in me as soon as I entered the room and I was bloody nervous, especially since the last time I stepped into a public school was for a Blue Light Disco at Berwick High and my cool, gelled mohawk didn’t stop a kid from yelling out, “faggot!” as I walked into the sports hall. That was and still is incredibly traumatic but something I will unpack in another episode. It was extremely evident that there was very little understanding of mental health among the boys, which is completely okay but quite shocking. A lot of them didn’t know what anxiety was. When Andrew Tate was mentioned by the group, all the boys started getting excited and the majority of the 50 said they thought he was quote “sick”. Internally, I was like what the fuck? However, when I delved a bit deeper, a lot of them were actually just frightened. Frightened of who they need to be, frightened of not being enough and frightened of connection. Interestingly, when I asked the group who was in a relationship, only 3 put their hands up. When I probed even more, I found that there was a significant amount of stress around loss in the group. There was one young man with slicked back hair, who sat in the very front and was very open to the group about how he was scared to lose his Nanna to her progressive cancer. I thanked him for his openness because sharing something like that in front of your mates is never easy, especially in a public setting. We then pivoted the conversation together and I asked him what helps him deal with the stressors in his life. He smiled ear to ear and replied with, “working on my car with my Dad and not realising how much time goes by”. It was really special to see him light up like that and then a few of the other boys eagerly put up their hands to agree with their mate. What my aim was during that talk and even now is that it is not weak for a man to be in touch with his feelings or open up about difficulties in their life. Podcasters, self-help gurus and myself can say this until the end of time, yet, we now understand that the generational programming for a man has wired the brains of young men to still tough it out alone and push everything aside internally. As someone who promotes vulnerability and places importance on understanding their own emotions, I still get to extremely low points and keep things to myself. It is a journey and expecting to reach a point of feeling ‘mentally fixed’ is impossible because perfection isn’t real. There will be life events that rock you to your core, when you least expect it and not processing the difficult emotions can fester into the bigger picture issues we see today: family violence, narcissism and men that think they can take whatever they want. What has helped me throughout my life stressors has been learning - like the knowledge of being bedridden for 2 weeks after losing a loved one isn’t depression, it’s a natural discourse from a significant life event - doing the things I’m passionate about (like this podcast) and having a solid support network. When I finished the public school talk, I had a couple of students say to the teacher it was a waste of time and it was definitely a big blow to the ego. Although, that is exactly what ‘Finding the Middle’ is about. Not everyone needs this pathway because that may not be their middle. The goal of a psychologist or anyone trying to help the mental health of others is to make sure that they are supporting their client to become content internally and externally - without outright telling them what they should do. Those young men will have stressors come up during their lives that they won’t expect and that is when this pathway will become important for them but force feeding vulnerability will only result in it thrown back up in your face. I cannot help everyone but my mission is to help those who felt as lost as I did. Those who don’t understand why their external world seems fantastic but internally they are still suffering. Those who know they are not balanced and want to make a change. Because I’m right there with you and I’m trying to do the same. After feeling a bit deflated about the disinterested students, I had one Year 11 boy come up to me privately at the end and open up to me about wanting to take his life earlier that year. After talking a bit more, he remained hopeful about his passion to become a secondary school teacher and that is why this podcast is so bloody important to me, because it’s my way of helping a brave bastard like that.
I have a way with words don’t I? I really know how to pull on your heart strings - a modern-day Shakespeare, if you will. Even so, my aim with this podcast is to not only make you giggle, cry or open incognito mode on your browser, it’s to provide you with some perspective on where to begin your own journey finding your middle. There will be conversations, anecdotes, tools, links, resources and anything in between shared on this podcast that will hopefully give you the same light-bulb moment I had years ago. When I received a piece of paper from my psychologist in 2019 that accurately described the diagnosis of someone extremely close to me, it was like the wool had been pulled off my eyes and I felt understood for the first time. All the past interactions started to make sense and feeling envious of those who had typical interactions didn’t come with waves of guilt anymore. I can safely say that if I hadn’t had that turning point, I wouldn’t be here today. That is what I want you to think about in your life right now, as you may not have had the a-ha moment (or moments) you have needed to push you in a direction that you want to be in. Previously I believed that vulnerability was the only way, however, everyone is different and peace comes from whatever balance means to you. If you haven’t been happy for a long time, have you ever really thought about why? Or if you're earning six-figures plus and yet, you’re still miserable, have you ever considered a different pathway? On another note, some interesting takeaways from the animal kingdom are that:
A female braconid wasp finds a caterpillar and lays its eggs inside the body of the caterpillar as well as a virus, so its young can utilise the dying carcass for food.
Lions are known to kill only when they are hungry, however, Tigers are known to also kill for just sport and many humans have been found mauled in their habitats.
Orca whales have been known to ‘play’ with their prey before eating it, which involves a seriously gorey version of Antarctic volleyball.
We may not like it but these are all examples of natural occurrences in life and when compared to humans, our problems can seem really trivial. However, there are horrible occurrences in our lives that still biologically trigger our brains like a tiger is chasing us through the jungle. Neurochemically, we have not evolved quickly enough to be able to tell the difference through our body chemistry. We then need to counteract this imbalance through self-awareness and modern research within psychology and biology. We are not just our mind and we are not just our body - we are a beautiful hybrid of the two and whatever your tiger is, there is a way of managing it. Through this podcast, I hope that you can engage with the content in a meaningful way and the best way to do that is by having a conversation about it with those close to you. If something mentioned makes you uncomfortable, try to lean into it and ask yourself why? If something resonates, you can make your own interpretation of the episode or if you think a friend could really get use out of the content,share it with them in a non-judgemental way - telling your mate he’s being a fuckwit and to listen to my podcast is not exactly what I mean but I appreciate you sharing it nonetheless.
Finding the Middle will hopefully have 12 episodes coming out this year and they will be a combination of short-form solo content like this episode and conversations with interesting guests. Every episode will have you, the listener, in mind and the content will be aimed to help you reflect on what your definition of middle is. I’m not trying to tell you what to do and I’m certainly not trying to be the healthy-adult role model in your life because that is ultimately what you need to discover on your own. I’m also in the exact same position as you, I have blood running through my veins and I sit down to piss - I mean… breathe the same air you do. I still feel lost and lack motivation at the best of times but what I’m trying to accept are the beautiful natural abilities that I possess - vulnerability, sensitivity and empathy. These are parts of myself that I have hated for a very long time because with them, has come a variety of traumatising life experiences and self-hatred that has really hindered me from enjoying all life has to offer. So, this podcast will encapsulate how I’m slowly becoming accepting of those qualities and hopefully whatever has been difficult to accept for you can become your greatest strength too. If you have made it to the end, I seriously thank you for listening to the episode and I hope you were able to gain something from it. Any feedback is greatly appreciated and feel free to message the Balanced Blokes socials to discuss anything further. It would also be amazing if you could please leave a review and if you think that someone else could benefit from Finding the Middle, every share helps my mission grow. Take care of yourself and keep an eye out for the next episode coming soon.
